Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.

Introduce Yourself (Example Post)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

  • Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
  • Because it will help you focus your own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

  • Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
  • What topics do you think you’ll write about?
  • Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
  • If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.

QUARANTINE

It feels so safe and normal to me but alone. Silence outside my window, in the street, seems peaceful but lonely. But why am I petrified with this silence? I have been alone several times, I have been also left alone in grief, in a car accident, in sickness, in sadness, in fact in all of those situations when it’s excruciating for human beings to be left alone. Exactly when I was learning to accept friendships and letting others enter my space. The thing is I have visited my darkest tunnel with no light on its end. I became that girl in the tunnel which has been dragging me inside back her again because she feels left alone there. But I had to leave her alone in that tunnel without light because it was suffocating me. I wanted light hence I dragged my bruised and shredded existence out of the tunnel only to find out there was a thick jungle waiting for me where battling between humans never let you sleep and feel safe even in your own house. Some humans left me alone again as soon as I slipped back to that tunnel and be that girl myself. I still don’t know if she is me or she is part of me, only a certain thing is we are one existence with two living creatures. I am not angry about being alone but I am furious about crushing my dignity and last bit of self-esteem with judgments and no chance of justification. No one asked about that slip, no one thought what and who pushed me through the drain back to my tunnel. The last straw was him who took off my shirt and took away, whatever was left with my dignity. He took everything from me that, for a few moments of his lust. He took my ability to trust humans again. He took my sense of safety in my own bed and in my own room which took a decade to build. It took me my entire life to feel safe for the first time and he took it from me. When I finally started feeling safe among other humans and in my bright space outside that dark tunnel, he took away all the light from me which I lit by burning myself for years. He took away part of my soul which I had cleaned after years of struggle. He poured his disgust again on my soul which has been poured several times by his kind. This disgust has been poured on me several times but this one was different; this time, he knew about my struggles with the cleaning of disgust like his. But he didn’t care about it and poured it again, this time it didn’t mess over me but have burnt my soul. Now that everyone is living a life like mine, staying inside their bubbles, I am scared of falling again back to that darkest tunnel without the light on its end and be that girl who has been screaming at me for leaving her there. I have always been able to bring myself back to life but this time they took every bit of my self-respect, my self-esteem, my confidence in being a good person, my belief in being deserving of this light. They have taken a piece of me this time hence I am left with nothing. But I did make an effort and quarantine happened to leave me stranded with my thoughts and her screams. This time, I cannot let anyone enter my space yet I have to be alone to console her. Either she takes me down again or else I will simply live there with her myself. The good part about this quarantine is that I feel safe, no one will enter my space and no one will pour their disgust on me. I wake up every morning and silence her screams. Its second week being at my place and the third day of complete isolation, I have succeeded so far. Let see, where it ends, me in the tunnel or her leaving me at peace with the light.

To all those in my shoes , hugs to you !

Whenever I mention suffering from developmental trauma, I see faces change or people keeping distance. I am that person who does not get to share the exact feelings of being scared, angry, worried or grieving for instance. Why? because I have not given that option. Still, I tried during last couple of weeks, two weeks after having a very hurtful experience. It also ended being judged, so much so that I was told ‘You should not have come if you have anxiety’. I was once called my panic attacks as dramatics. I was called emotionally unstable during my panic attacks. So this emotionally unstable girl who have been through sexual assaults since she was only 3 years old , several times, this unstable girl who does not feel safe in her own bedroom because of some one. This stupid girl who has to show herself as strong and resilient during the day, cannot sleep either without having nightmares or having lucid dreams after working for more than 18 hours straight. I have a strict routine which helps me to keep myself focused on my work at certain extent. But being a human being …. one needs a friend to hug you when you say your father died. One needs to be comforted when she says she had a very bad car accident. I have been homeless, jobless and literally struggling which each and every thing you have got in your life. I didn’t have it,, I still don’t. Still, I struggle every single day and every single minute to go through this life positively and make the most out of it. People admire my work but they are not friends, they don’t know me as a person. Those who ever tried to come close, ended up either demeaning me for all my flaws or overpowering my presence. I also get scared, I also have severe phobias. When you cannot trust your default loved ones and you have to protect yourself as a child and later living in a city like Karachi for being a girl…… you do loose your sanity. I do have a handful of good friends but I still cannot pour my heart out because its scary to loose a handful of people in your life.

I am not a bad person, but I am not someone who is not scared inside , I just never given that option ever in my entire life. Its tiring to stand alone and stand strong to face this world without having a shoulder to cry on. Its difficult to heal this way when you were insulted for minutes in a new group because one person had issues with you , also mentioned you shouldn’t have come if you have anxiety. This is the reason people like me with depression, with developmental trauma etc stay away from people and when we get tired……we end this life.

Most of you go home, your food is ready, you can talk to your mother to a certain extent, you can share your worries, you have some friends who you trust and can share…… consider yourself lucky. It is a blessing… having a good career, outdoors options etc…….no, that not it……All I wanted ever was a hug without being judged which I never get… and its a very tiring life emotionally. You can browse developmental trauma and anxiety , Yeah, I have to live through that and face the world as nothing is happening. I don’t want pity either or sympathy per say. I write these blogs because that is my only way of sharing about exactly how I feel. Its different when you cry your heart out alone and when you have someone listening and understanding you. I will not be making any VLOGS about it because its like screaming to the deaf people. Every one has issues and every one is going through a lot …. because I was always left alone with my demons. I understand, I still do and I have tried to listen to others too…. I wish I get some one like this for once in my life who would not judge me for being scared or crying, who would not walk away or who would not mock me in the end.

To all those fighting with mental health issues, depression and trauma …… believe me its not worth it. Its not worth it to trust or try to feel safe or thinking one will understand….No… they won’t , they don’t have to. We have got no one to talk or understand… We have to show our perfect self , because no one wants to be the friend of our ugly , bruised and wounded self. And that one day, for few minutes, you put your guard down and there it goes…. your self-respect. and you are left with a load of embarrassment. I am waiting until this hell of a life ends one day eventually…. that will be my solace hopefully. For the record, I was never loved or cared or protected as a child then its out of question when I am an adult. There are few people who do care but I am scared of loosing them the day they will see this demented side of me. They are your friends as long as you stay strong. Staying strong means stay alone and keep your crap to yourself. So good luck with that… lets see how long we can take it.

Confession of a misfit – 2

I had a very good day and I met amazing people today. Today, I get to speak about my story through my work. But it ended with 100 degrees fever and a panic attack same night. Why? because whatever has happened to a person like me in the past while trying to make friends and while trying to put my guards down, it does not end well. After a year-long episode of being left alone on my own when my father died and after that when I eventually tried to make good friends considering it my fault as I have never ever opened up about my daily emotional struggle to function as a sane person and have never given a chance to take an emotional break, it also did not end well. Actually, it ended with an episode of being disrespected, being shouted at, being called ‘ someone who has an easy life because according to that friend I do not have any responsibilities such as kids.’ It also ended being demeaned on social media in front of the public. I thought I could move on and handle it. I thought I could learn to trust again and again and again and again and……………..But I am not able to convince myself to open up and make friends again. I saw people knowing each other on a personal level for years whereas all they know about me is my work. Not even the closest person knows me as a person. No one knows my favorite color or my favorite food. No one knows how I go through my day. My best friend is my dog and my comfort zone is my work. I was never part of group photos including old and best friends. I did not have friends for a long period of time. Believe me, I have started over several times regardless of getting a pile of emotional pain. But how much one can take??! I had those who only wanted to get physical because I am just a woman, not a person, then I got those who wanted to demean me based on my social standing according to theirs. And then there were those who I didn’t want to lose so I did not open up instead I put a great show of being the strongest one who can handle grief alone.

Now when there is only pain inside and a small portion of happiness get buried under this pile, I really have no idea to convince myself and try again. I don’t know how to convince myself to trust. I cannot convince myself that some people in this world can be trusted. Even I force myself, I am not able to put my guard down and take a rest for a while. But how is this possible! Last year, during my complicated grief, I begged God to send me at least one person who can comfort me. But there was nobody, let alone comfort, I got a hug after an entire year from my closest friend. I am still struggling to heal from not getting condolence and left alone with myself. My anger is with god now because it’s beyond human limits. Whether it’s my fault or maybe is my fate. I was never loved or cared my entire life. I don’t have a best friend among humans. I don’t get to complain or let it all out in front of my close friends because all I am expected is to be this strong person who stands alone or else I will lose them. I have a fever right now and a bad headache but I don’t have a single person just to say that I am sick or just vent hence this blog. I had a panic attack a while ago and all I feel is being embarrassed to that one person I tried to talk to a few minutes ago. I don’t know if I can ever contact or face that person again. I have a strict workout and meditation routine which has been disturbed due to hurting my knee while traveling in Lahore last week. I had to take something which can help me sleep tonight. I am very scared for not being able to sleep and forgetting all my demons visiting me tonight but I have no one to tell all of this. I don’t want to be called ’emotionally unstable’. I have seen people changing their ways from me. My soul does not know comfort and hugs, yes it’s very true, I don’t get hugs. Its a very small thing, so if you have someone, a friend or a sibling who is willing to listen and hug you, consider that a blessing. For once, if I give up eventually… I will ruin it all. I just want you to know that I have tried and I am trying till my last breath to at least live among others but at a distance. When you keep getting hurt at the same spot on several occasions, your pain gets unbearable. I don’t expect it to be any better but I have learned to accept my realities itself and stop fighting it. At least, I can write about it if not talk about it. I am grateful for this tiny bit as well. And before judging , please do understand that this is all I have… all I have are these words with no hugs, no one to understand or no one near me.

Confession of a misfit

When I was a little child, my grandmother taught me a prayer to ask for being self-sufficient and independent. She was the only person, a little close to me when during my childhood when I was not allowed to make any friends by my very abusive mother. Well, I don’t want to talk about her or her abuse today or my childhood. I want to address all those friends and acquaintances who have turned towards me pointing how easy my life is or how lucky I am to be alone. No, I don’t intend to complain about myself but I want to show you about what you have.

Most of us in our society grow among friends, cousins, and siblings. Most of you have mothers pampering you after a long, tiring day. In my story, I was not allowed to rest when even sick, I was not allowed to communicate with my cousins who we rarely met. I was not allowed to talk or play with my siblings. I was not allowed to make friends. If you are curious to know, you can read the details in my other blogs. Now that I am a 33 years old, working woman very self-sufficient and an independent with a bunch of close friends and some weekend routine; It has not always been like this in fact, this has become a routine a few months ago only. I still do not have the best friends who know me completely or to a certain extent but I do have close friends who know bits of me. I have no complains because I have accepted it the way it is and I have always tried to make the best of what has been given to me. I belong to 99.999999 % of this society who literally don’t have a family, nope literally not at all. Why? that’s another story and its short writing. So coming back to the topic, it has been very difficult to be accepted so I could make friends and feel loved or cared for a while. Let me tell you first, the beginning of this lonely journey, it involves a sad incident so hang in there. It started when I was very little, only to remember the moment when my father was hanging me from that balcony on 4th floor, I turned towards my mother for help and found her smiling on my cries for help. Since that moment until now, I have not felt safe or comforted or understood as a matter of fact. I have been alone during my dark days, at nights during sickness, while traveling (that was happily), being scared during several incidents and so on. My father died last year, and I did not receive any decent condolence, without asking for it, not from the person living next door, I actually told her after two months. Most of the time people around me turn towards me and keep saying your life is so easy. You don’t have to deal with family or people for instance. Yes, I don’t have people. I was not part of any group photos of friends. I did not get a hug after my car accident, or when my father died. I have hugged a few months ago after crying out loud about my grief. I never get to hang out with friends or have fun because I have to make my ends meet. I was not given the pocket money or I don’t get presents as you do from your loved ones. Each and everything in my house has been bought by me entirely. I don’t get my birthdays celebrated in fact I have learned to do it all by myself. I don’t get a cup of tea made with love by my mother. I don’t have anyone praising my achievements in work. I don’t get moral support on several occasions. I don’t hear that ‘Love, you must be so tired.’ When I get sick, I have driven myself to the hospital or have taken care of myself. When you are alone, your house does not maintain or your groceries don’t’ come on their own. You have to take care of each and everything in your life physically, emotionally and literally. So about some people in my life, its difficult for them to be in my shoes. Not having someone around or ever have someone who will organize your funeral at least, is a very scary thought in my situation. I am expected to understand that they have a difficult life than mine because they are in majority. Here is the confession ; I am the one lonely misfit with a dog. I don’t get to turn towards anyone and say that ‘I am scared’ because whenever I did there was only a comparison that I only have myself and they have got hugs and people. We tend to not understand those who we don’t see regularly. I have been reminded several times from people with families or at least one person in their lives that we are alone. Yeah, the whole world gets condolence when some one dies and I get this moral support. Off course I know and understand that very intensely. I have accepted the reality the way it is. I do hang out, attend events, go for walks, party on weekends with a bunch of trustworthy friends. But it does not fulfill the void of not having a loving and caring family. I do not want to be told that Its easy for me because that is unfair on so many levels. It does make me vulnerable here to mention this part while living in a city like Karachi but I have seen worse already. One thing, being alone has taught me to be self-sufficient and be myself but there is nothing to lose. So when you see your mother, your child, your wife or your siblings around who love you and care about you, be grateful instead to turning towards lonely people like me and taking out the frustrations of your responsibilities. You never know, when you lose someone. Every one whether alone or with family is fighting an unspoken battle and some of us don’t want to project on others because some people in my shoes don’t get the majority understanding the challenges. Try, doing each and every task physically including comforting and condoling yourself without speaking a word to this world than you will have some idea perhaps. Every things come with a price , for me coming out of an abusive household and stand for my respect and survival, I was never given an emotional and physical break. !t has been fulfilling but a very tiring life where I stand alone without an option of even grieving. Besides all of this, I have valued the tiniest bit of compassion in my life, I adore few moments spent with good people around. I love every present given from a very dear friend as a token of care. I have actually got a whole collection of these presents from this friend. When you have a dark void inside you , you try to hold on to every ray of hope to get through this life. So cherish and value the silver lining. There is always a silver lining , one only has to look at it. In my story, I have got the freedom of living fully as much as I can.

What did I learn from my burnout ?!

Today, I woke up at 6:15 am for a morning walk and joined my neighbor at the park. When I was returning home from my morning exploration, I had a lot of plans to finish tasks. But as soon as I reach home, my body and mind were sending me another message. So I listened, finished a few tasks and rested. If it was 2016, it would have been another response to these messages. In 2016, one fine morning I collapsed and ended up in the ER at a local hospital. It was not sudden, I was going through uncertain health issues and trying to figure out the mystery of that sickness. Eventually, at that the ER I came to know that I have physical anxiety and have been suffering from burnout. Burnouts are not a common term in our society but it does happen to the human body. So the days before that I was waking up at 5:30 am every morning and working non-stop till 9:00 pm. I had a full- time job with two leading positions at the same place and curating exhibitions one after another. Let me explain to you curating one exhibition in months is a huge and tiring task itself and I was doing multiple shows over the months. Before that routine as well, I was doing a lot of things more than the physical ability of my body. In short, I was taking all that energy and ability to work non-stop; for granted.

So when I collapsed, days before that, I was not capable of not finishing regular tasks as simple as getting a glass of water from the fridge. I was not capable of leaving for work after getting ready which took hours usually it took a few minutes. Before these helpless days, I had a breakdown and started counseling. I have been so much eager to invest in myself, learn new skills, do a list of things as hobbies, achieving career and life goals and so on. All of that was without a physical break. How did that happen and why I was doing it to myself? Well, long story short, my abusive mother never allowed me to rest while burning from high fever even. Once, she dragged me to the kitchen to wash a huge pile of dishes around midnight, when I was only 12 years old and had 103 fever. It took me years to break that programming from my mind, body, and soul. There were many brutal episodes like that and my body burned out eventually when asking for mercy from me.

During those days I learned to be grateful to be able to work hard and sometimes harder than many regular people around. I learned to listen to my body and my mind to give them a decent break. I learned that everything happens on its own time and life is not about completing a checklist. I learned that you need a break after a tiring week and you can rest when sick. I learned that I am allowed to rest when not well and leave the dishes until I feel better. I learned to workout as a lifestyle and make it a habit. I learned to simplify my life and choose my battles. I learned to stop and feel my surroundings. I learned to be grateful for the energy which helps me achieve my goals. I learned to show quality, not quantity. I learned to say ‘NO’ to those who were not considered of me. I learned to put myself first more than anything else.

I learned to break stereotypes from my lifestyle and make my own choices. I learned to not take my health for granted. I learned healthy competition rather than being in a marathon. So now when I finish difficult tasks and achieve milestones; I give myself a nice break because I deserve it so do you. When your body goes through physical and emotional trauma, it stays in your muscle memory, means your body remembers. I learned to get rest and acknowledge when I am tired. It took me a few reminders after 20 years of that abuse. These days, I endure what I already have; my work, health and my good friends. I remember that I have to rest physically and mentally too so I don’t work on Sundays besides chores. I do make time for those friends who are good and considerate with me. I don’t push people away who wants to be there. I seek help when I need it even if it’s only moral. I learned to take at least 30 minutes for a yoga routine or workout first thing in the morning because its the fuel for whole day. I pamper myself some of the days too. In short, I have learned to take care of myself so should You.

Take a break when you need it and take care of yourself because you deserve it.

Dream a little dream of me

It’s 4:30 am right now, I just had mid-night snack and started to write on my laptop. I was fast asleep around 2 am and then I woke up shivering, shaking and disoriented from the most horrific dream I have ever experienced so far. I will be using experience for my dreams because these dreams of me are a feeling or we can say a series of repeated emotions. In most of my dreams, I am crying and feeling the same pain inside which I have felt in reality while my mother was abusing me. Finally, I said it out loud. In my previous blogs, I have mentioned some of the details about my father (blog titles are ‘when I met my Dutch father’ and ‘Grief’) who I lost last year. But I have never mentioned my darkest demon which is my narcissistic mother who has done things which still give me shivers and which I cannot courage to bring it to words yet.

 Most of my work is based on the trauma of abuse and mostly audience only notices about sexual abuse which was one part of it along with a series of many other events in several categories of abuse. I am an unfortunate person with a fulfilled life, and there is no denial about it. Let me explain you with an example; When last year, my father died, I did not receive a single comforting hug and the one I did receive, I had to ask for it. I did not receive any decent condolence or some comforting words. The best ones are those who gave me advice, asked to be positive about it and compared it with their problems, what I didn’t get which I needed the most was a hug, all would have been easier, well that’s done and dusted now. Eventually, when I socially broke down, after agonizing seven months, there were some messages and calls from my social circle but one cannot share such details with ‘social’ friends, I am grateful for that support though. Those who were really there were the ones who live miles away hence they make sure that I am doing okay. I did make new friends later and learned to connect with right people. I pray that no one is left alone with grief, Amen to that. Why am I mentioning this here in a blog about dreams? Because there is a connection of dreams with trauma. What I have suffered tonight and during those seven months and earlier in life, have strongly affected my sleep and particularly dreams. Trauma is not self-proclaimed negative thinking, and it’s not something to be forgotten easily. I wish it could work that way then I would be sleeping right now. It stays in your memory and your conscious which creates the visuals of your dreams. Healing from traumatic experiences is a very excruciating and slow process which doesn’t happen in one day or as per misconception, it does not happen the second day you leave abusive figures in your life. For me, it has been 10 years including my self-care routine based on meditation, works out, yoga, reading about it, processing it, a couple of years of counselling and using my work as my catharsis. Still, it haunts me when I am helpless and that’s my sleep and dreams. So I was talking about dreams, about tonight’s one, it involves a long history about my mother and I am still not ready to talk about her. Perhaps, few more years will give me that courage to process this part. One of my blog ‘ All about how and what happened’ can give a glimpse of her mental state.

Getting back to dreams again, in my dreams which are very regular; I am feeling the same pain again and again which I did around ‘her’. Calling and mentioning ‘my mother’ is also a huge trauma for me so I will refer to her as ‘her’. In my recent one, I saw ‘her’ screaming and cursing me while I am trying to dry the flooded water in our drawing room. The more I am trying, more she is screaming and that water is not reducing instead it keeps coming back again and again. While I am experiencing these, I feel the same pain which I did in real life when I was a child, then a teenager and then an adult. Dreams before that, while I was living with them were mostly visuals of an apocalypse. That was the time when I was around 12 years old and that continued till my teenage. In those dreams, I was always lost and alone during apocalypse among broken houses and piles of rubbles. I once saw a gigantic tree shredding the earth and growing with lightning speed while reaching the sky. In those dreams, I was always searching for my parents who were nowhere to be found. I felt the same pain of being alone and not comforted in those dreams as it is in my real life. I have been terribly scared in those dreams which I do suppress during my daily life. I don’t intend to blame anyone, but as if I have mentioned my unfortunate reality, writing is my only way of sharing. I deeply care about my sincere friends and don’t want them to be in a position where they don’t know a way of dealing with my bizarre experiences. There is another blog about such friends ‘What are friends for?’.

When my father died, my dreams also upgraded itself. That was a whole new experience than previous ones. FYI; Due to living through my painful experiences, I have struggled immensely with my sleep. I want to say it loud and clear now that I have scared of sleeping because of my dreams. So when my father died and eventually when I was able to forgive him, He appeared in my dream as follows;

 He had a family of his own with small children which does not include me and my siblings not even my mother. He was playing with those kids with the kindness which I never received. I was standing there communicating with him in my dream. Then he said ‘ I am sorry, I never loved you this way, please forgive me.’ It was heart-breaking and disappointing for me. Something I desperately wanted from my father and have never ever received was his love. Still, I had to be the one to deal with it even after his death. I woke up and felt very heavy also emotionally tired during those days. But his death opened a void inside me and I started having lucid dreams which made my nights more miserable. I started seeing a girl covered in bruises and filth screaming and being angry at me about forgiving him. I had no idea about comforting her as she was inconsolable. There is a certain pattern in my dreams which keep bringing the same emotions again and again. I do have a strict routine to practice mindfulness but when you are never hugged, comforted, understood or consoled, yourself get extremely tired and bruised.

Good night, sleep tight, I hope you are the lucky one who can sleep or the least; You are not left alone with your demons.