Whenever I mention suffering from developmental trauma, I see faces change or people keeping distance. I am that person who does not get to share the exact feelings of being scared, angry, worried or grieving for instance. Why? because I have not given that option. Still, I tried during last couple of weeks, two weeks after having a very hurtful experience. It also ended being judged, so much so that I was told ‘You should not have come if you have anxiety’. I was once called my panic attacks as dramatics. I was called emotionally unstable during my panic attacks. So this emotionally unstable girl who have been through sexual assaults since she was only 3 years old , several times, this unstable girl who does not feel safe in her own bedroom because of some one. This stupid girl who has to show herself as strong and resilient during the day, cannot sleep either without having nightmares or having lucid dreams after working for more than 18 hours straight. I have a strict routine which helps me to keep myself focused on my work at certain extent. But being a human being …. one needs a friend to hug you when you say your father died. One needs to be comforted when she says she had a very bad car accident. I have been homeless, jobless and literally struggling which each and every thing you have got in your life. I didn’t have it,, I still don’t. Still, I struggle every single day and every single minute to go through this life positively and make the most out of it. People admire my work but they are not friends, they don’t know me as a person. Those who ever tried to come close, ended up either demeaning me for all my flaws or overpowering my presence. I also get scared, I also have severe phobias. When you cannot trust your default loved ones and you have to protect yourself as a child and later living in a city like Karachi for being a girl…… you do loose your sanity. I do have a handful of good friends but I still cannot pour my heart out because its scary to loose a handful of people in your life.
I am not a bad person, but I am not someone who is not scared inside , I just never given that option ever in my entire life. Its tiring to stand alone and stand strong to face this world without having a shoulder to cry on. Its difficult to heal this way when you were insulted for minutes in a new group because one person had issues with you , also mentioned you shouldn’t have come if you have anxiety. This is the reason people like me with depression, with developmental trauma etc stay away from people and when we get tired……we end this life.
Most of you go home, your food is ready, you can talk to your mother to a certain extent, you can share your worries, you have some friends who you trust and can share…… consider yourself lucky. It is a blessing… having a good career, outdoors options etc…….no, that not it……All I wanted ever was a hug without being judged which I never get… and its a very tiring life emotionally. You can browse developmental trauma and anxiety , Yeah, I have to live through that and face the world as nothing is happening. I don’t want pity either or sympathy per say. I write these blogs because that is my only way of sharing about exactly how I feel. Its different when you cry your heart out alone and when you have someone listening and understanding you. I will not be making any VLOGS about it because its like screaming to the deaf people. Every one has issues and every one is going through a lot …. because I was always left alone with my demons. I understand, I still do and I have tried to listen to others too…. I wish I get some one like this for once in my life who would not judge me for being scared or crying, who would not walk away or who would not mock me in the end.
To all those fighting with mental health issues, depression and trauma …… believe me its not worth it. Its not worth it to trust or try to feel safe or thinking one will understand….No… they won’t , they don’t have to. We have got no one to talk or understand… We have to show our perfect self , because no one wants to be the friend of our ugly , bruised and wounded self. And that one day, for few minutes, you put your guard down and there it goes…. your self-respect. and you are left with a load of embarrassment. I am waiting until this hell of a life ends one day eventually…. that will be my solace hopefully. For the record, I was never loved or cared or protected as a child then its out of question when I am an adult. There are few people who do care but I am scared of loosing them the day they will see this demented side of me. They are your friends as long as you stay strong. Staying strong means stay alone and keep your crap to yourself. So good luck with that… lets see how long we can take it.
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