I had a very good day and I met amazing people today. Today, I get to speak about my story through my work. But it ended with 100 degrees fever and a panic attack same night. Why? because whatever has happened to a person like me in the past while trying to make friends and while trying to put my guards down, it does not end well. After a year-long episode of being left alone on my own when my father died and after that when I eventually tried to make good friends considering it my fault as I have never ever opened up about my daily emotional struggle to function as a sane person and have never given a chance to take an emotional break, it also did not end well. Actually, it ended with an episode of being disrespected, being shouted at, being called ‘ someone who has an easy life because according to that friend I do not have any responsibilities such as kids.’ It also ended being demeaned on social media in front of the public. I thought I could move on and handle it. I thought I could learn to trust again and again and again and again and……………..But I am not able to convince myself to open up and make friends again. I saw people knowing each other on a personal level for years whereas all they know about me is my work. Not even the closest person knows me as a person. No one knows my favorite color or my favorite food. No one knows how I go through my day. My best friend is my dog and my comfort zone is my work. I was never part of group photos including old and best friends. I did not have friends for a long period of time. Believe me, I have started over several times regardless of getting a pile of emotional pain. But how much one can take??! I had those who only wanted to get physical because I am just a woman, not a person, then I got those who wanted to demean me based on my social standing according to theirs. And then there were those who I didn’t want to lose so I did not open up instead I put a great show of being the strongest one who can handle grief alone.
Now when there is only pain inside and a small portion of happiness get buried under this pile, I really have no idea to convince myself and try again. I don’t know how to convince myself to trust. I cannot convince myself that some people in this world can be trusted. Even I force myself, I am not able to put my guard down and take a rest for a while. But how is this possible! Last year, during my complicated grief, I begged God to send me at least one person who can comfort me. But there was nobody, let alone comfort, I got a hug after an entire year from my closest friend. I am still struggling to heal from not getting condolence and left alone with myself. My anger is with god now because it’s beyond human limits. Whether it’s my fault or maybe is my fate. I was never loved or cared my entire life. I don’t have a best friend among humans. I don’t get to complain or let it all out in front of my close friends because all I am expected is to be this strong person who stands alone or else I will lose them. I have a fever right now and a bad headache but I don’t have a single person just to say that I am sick or just vent hence this blog. I had a panic attack a while ago and all I feel is being embarrassed to that one person I tried to talk to a few minutes ago. I don’t know if I can ever contact or face that person again. I have a strict workout and meditation routine which has been disturbed due to hurting my knee while traveling in Lahore last week. I had to take something which can help me sleep tonight. I am very scared for not being able to sleep and forgetting all my demons visiting me tonight but I have no one to tell all of this. I don’t want to be called ’emotionally unstable’. I have seen people changing their ways from me. My soul does not know comfort and hugs, yes it’s very true, I don’t get hugs. Its a very small thing, so if you have someone, a friend or a sibling who is willing to listen and hug you, consider that a blessing. For once, if I give up eventually… I will ruin it all. I just want you to know that I have tried and I am trying till my last breath to at least live among others but at a distance. When you keep getting hurt at the same spot on several occasions, your pain gets unbearable. I don’t expect it to be any better but I have learned to accept my realities itself and stop fighting it. At least, I can write about it if not talk about it. I am grateful for this tiny bit as well. And before judging , please do understand that this is all I have… all I have are these words with no hugs, no one to understand or no one near me.
Mehreen Hashmi 